I DON’T WANT TO BE A BADDIE
A LETTER TO MY FATHER AND HUSBAND
To my beloveds,
I’ve given this much thought. It’s been heavy on my mind for months now, and the journey to this decision was not an easy one, but the decision itself has transformed my life in every way.
You see, I used to crave attention constantly. I needed validation to fill the voids left from my childhood. Bound to worldly love, I was convinced my body needed to be a display of my inner grace. A coke bottle, bbl giving, figure, capturing the attention of insecure women to make them feel worse, and egotistical men, to make myself feel better. I thought a nice body to complement my face would surely give me a chance to feel the love I never got as a child; release me from the bondage of sexual trauma and chains of never feeling good enough, of insecurity and jealousy.
I was wrong. I don’t want to be a baddie.
Thanks to you, my father YHWH, I no longer see my body as an advertisement for seeking spirits.
The desire to accentuate my curves and attract my man, the intention to use my beauty to both his and my advantage still remains. I STILL require the male gaze. Not because I need it to feel attractive, but because my outward display reflects my inward effort as the bride of Christ. I DO believe my body SHOULD be attractive. My discipline should be on display.
I desire to be beautiful, to draw attention, double takes, stares, and compliments. I do not want to be lusted after, but rather to exude the grace of God, for people to look at me and see the light of Christ.
I eat well because I know your spirit lives in me, and I’d like him to be comfortable in a clean space. I exercise because kingdom work calls for mobility and agility. I bathe regularly to remove waste, and I take rest for replenishment.
I see my nakedness, and there is no shame, but gratitude for my curves, the softness of my skin, every stretch mark, shades of melanin, the uniqueness of me; They all tell a story of the journey it took to get here.
My body is beautiful. May I never forget that.
May I never again compare my body to that of another woman, and imagine myself far better or worse. May I never need to make her seem ugly for me to feel pretty.
To my husband, please have grace with me. Don’t ever make me feel as though you have to choose between class and calling. Should I ever forget to present myself as a wife worthy of standing at your side, correct me softly, and I will listen. Be safe with me, and I will be safe with you.
To my Father YHWH, thank you for taking my evil ways and redeeming them for the purpose of your kingdom. For the rest of my life, I will serve you again and again, in Jesus name.
Sincerely,
Your Beloved🤍
